Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student : Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it. ......................................................
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted : You don't know my father!
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Mother: David, come here.
David : Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you! now.
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Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
.....................................................................
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were Watching TV in the living room.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything. .....................................................................
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love .....................................................................
Man: How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born. .....................................................................
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog! .....................................................................
Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good! .....................................................................
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student : " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student : "All of me, Sir." .....................................................................
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is A sick eagle."
.....................................................................
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir." .....................................................................
A boy came home from school with his exam results. "What did u get?" asked his father. "My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do u mean 'under water'?" "They are all below 'C' level" (sea level)
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Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Madam, Your Order Please!
Went for a drink at this newly opened Kopitiam. A newly trained waitress came approach us :
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Question : What would you like to have, madam..? Tea, Chocolate, Cappuccino, Coffee or Fruit Juice?
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Answer : Tea please
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Question : Chinese tea, Lipton tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, iced tea?
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Answer : Lipton tea
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Question : Would you like it Black or White?
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Answer : White.
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Question : Milk, or creamer?
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Answer : Milk
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Question : Cow's milk, or goat's milk
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Answer : Cow's milk please.
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Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
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Answer : Mmm.... I'll just take it black.
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Question : Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
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Answer : With sugar
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Question : White sugar or brown sugar?
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Answer : Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water.
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Question : Mineral water or distilled water?
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Answer : Mineral water.
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Question : Flavored or non-flavored?
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Answer : Anything will do!
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Question : Sorry, 'Anything' drink is only available in Singapore.
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Answer : Sky juice then.
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Question : Ah! You mean rain water? But there's no rain these few days.
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Answer : ............
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Who Goes To Heaven?
A monk and a butcher were good friends and they were good neighbors too.
Every morning when the butcher woke up to work he would wake the monk up for prayer and the monk would do the same for the butcher.
These went on for many years until they were old and finally die.
One of them ended up in heaven and the other ended up in hell.
Dear friends, do you know which one ended up in heaven and which goes to hell and why?
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The answer :
The butcher who woke the monk up every morning for prayer went to heaven and the monk who woke the butcher up for slaughtering ended up in hell.
Every morning when the butcher woke up to work he would wake the monk up for prayer and the monk would do the same for the butcher.
These went on for many years until they were old and finally die.
One of them ended up in heaven and the other ended up in hell.
Dear friends, do you know which one ended up in heaven and which goes to hell and why?
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The answer :
The butcher who woke the monk up every morning for prayer went to heaven and the monk who woke the butcher up for slaughtering ended up in hell.
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Friday, August 29, 2008
A Hainam Nang Speaks to A Hokkien Lang In English
Malaysian Chinese are good at languages and dialects. Most of us speak English, Bahasa Malaysia, Mandarin and dialects like Hokkien, Cantonese, Hainanese, Teochew etc...... Even if we don't speak other dialects we could understand roughly what other trying to say.
I remember a joke told by my friend about an experience her Hainanese mother encountered. It happened many years ago.
One day her mother went to a shop in Port Dickson to buy a badminton racket for her. She told her mother she wanted the brand "Blue Bird", in English. The mother not knowing what is the meaning of 'Blue Bird' told the shopkeeper the same thing the daughter told her.
The Hokkien shopkeeper who unable to speak english and hainanese, asked her twice in Hokkien : "Lam Chiau Piau"? (Blue Bird brand?). He was trying to reconfirm with her what she actually wanted.
'Lam chiau' means 'blue bird' but it sounds close to the word penis in hokkien and I think may be in hainanese dialect also.
The mother was very angry with the shopkeeper and scolded him for being rude to her before she left the shop angrily. She was still angry when she reached home and told the daughter what had happened. The daughter told her the actual meaning of 'Blue Bird' and they were laughing away.
Bongkang....
I remember a joke told by my friend about an experience her Hainanese mother encountered. It happened many years ago.
One day her mother went to a shop in Port Dickson to buy a badminton racket for her. She told her mother she wanted the brand "Blue Bird", in English. The mother not knowing what is the meaning of 'Blue Bird' told the shopkeeper the same thing the daughter told her.
The Hokkien shopkeeper who unable to speak english and hainanese, asked her twice in Hokkien : "Lam Chiau Piau"? (Blue Bird brand?). He was trying to reconfirm with her what she actually wanted.
'Lam chiau' means 'blue bird' but it sounds close to the word penis in hokkien and I think may be in hainanese dialect also.
The mother was very angry with the shopkeeper and scolded him for being rude to her before she left the shop angrily. She was still angry when she reached home and told the daughter what had happened. The daughter told her the actual meaning of 'Blue Bird' and they were laughing away.
Bongkang....
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
1234567890
1 fine evening before my 2 sons go to bed; we sat down for a chat.
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We talked about how 3 of us going to face the big, big world in the near future as I am getting old and if they don't grow up quickly, I am not sure how they're going to survive without me. I can’t be with them 4 ever.
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My elder son said:"Don't worry mummy, we'll be 5."
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But then I told him, "We need to eat, place to stay, household utilities, education........., and how if one of us get 6, we need money to see a doctor."
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My son: "Mummy, you have a total of 7 brothers and sisters; don't tell me none of them could help us?"
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"Yes, may be they could, but we can’t depend on others, we must do our own growing. Have you heard of a saying: Don't help by giving a fish everyday but instead teach them how to fish?"
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My younger son, too small to understand:" Mummy, if they think fish is too expensive to give, they can give us 8. I can eat that everyday with rice, bread or just plain."
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"That’s good idea, darling, you're very smart. Good 9."
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Went back to my room. 10 god for being so kind to me.
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ZZZZzzzzzzz.
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We talked about how 3 of us going to face the big, big world in the near future as I am getting old and if they don't grow up quickly, I am not sure how they're going to survive without me. I can’t be with them 4 ever.
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My elder son said:"Don't worry mummy, we'll be 5."
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But then I told him, "We need to eat, place to stay, household utilities, education........., and how if one of us get 6, we need money to see a doctor."
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My son: "Mummy, you have a total of 7 brothers and sisters; don't tell me none of them could help us?"
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"Yes, may be they could, but we can’t depend on others, we must do our own growing. Have you heard of a saying: Don't help by giving a fish everyday but instead teach them how to fish?"
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My younger son, too small to understand:" Mummy, if they think fish is too expensive to give, they can give us 8. I can eat that everyday with rice, bread or just plain."
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"That’s good idea, darling, you're very smart. Good 9."
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Went back to my room. 10 god for being so kind to me.
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ZZZZzzzzzzz.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Never Laugh At A Chinese
From an email :
A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
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The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
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Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'
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A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
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The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
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Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'
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Saturday, June 28, 2008
Never Under Estimate The Power Of Accountant
Would like to share the following jokes received via email :
"""
Joke 1:
Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were 10 sales people and 1 accountant.
Since the rope was not strong enough to hold them all, they decided that one of them had to let go and save all the others.
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They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the accountant said he would let go of the rope since accountants are used to do everything for the company. They forsake their family, don't claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return. When finished his moving speech all the sales people began to clap.
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Joke 2 :
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A group of accountants and a group of sales people take a train to a conference. All sales person holds a ticket. But the entire group of accountants has bought only 1 single ticket. The sales people are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant and mean accountant will finally get what they deserved.
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Suddenly one of the accountant calls out : "The conductor is coming!" At once, all the accountant jump up and squeezed into one of the toilet. The conductor check the ticket of the sales people. When he notice that the toilet is occupied, he knocks and say : "Ticket, please!" One of the accountants slide the ticket under the door and the conductor continues on his round.
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For the return trip the sales people decided to use the same trick. They buy only 1 ticket for the entire group, but they are baffled as they realised that the accountants didn't buy any ticket all. After a while one of the accountant announce again : "The conductor is coming!". Immediately all the sales people race to the toilet and lock themselves in.
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All the accountant leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last accountant enters the toilet he knocks on the toilet occupied by the sales people and said : "Ticket please!"
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*****Sales people like to use the method of the accountants, but they dont really understand them *******
"""
Joke 1:
Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were 10 sales people and 1 accountant.
Since the rope was not strong enough to hold them all, they decided that one of them had to let go and save all the others.
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They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the accountant said he would let go of the rope since accountants are used to do everything for the company. They forsake their family, don't claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return. When finished his moving speech all the sales people began to clap.
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Joke 2 :
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A group of accountants and a group of sales people take a train to a conference. All sales person holds a ticket. But the entire group of accountants has bought only 1 single ticket. The sales people are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant and mean accountant will finally get what they deserved.
.
Suddenly one of the accountant calls out : "The conductor is coming!" At once, all the accountant jump up and squeezed into one of the toilet. The conductor check the ticket of the sales people. When he notice that the toilet is occupied, he knocks and say : "Ticket, please!" One of the accountants slide the ticket under the door and the conductor continues on his round.
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For the return trip the sales people decided to use the same trick. They buy only 1 ticket for the entire group, but they are baffled as they realised that the accountants didn't buy any ticket all. After a while one of the accountant announce again : "The conductor is coming!". Immediately all the sales people race to the toilet and lock themselves in.
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All the accountant leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last accountant enters the toilet he knocks on the toilet occupied by the sales people and said : "Ticket please!"
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*****Sales people like to use the method of the accountants, but they dont really understand them *******
Friday, June 13, 2008
Are.. you.. there...?
A young man went dating with his girl friend at night on a motorbike. The young man has only one helmet so the girl has to go without the helmet. The girl was wearing white long dress with long hair to her waist. She let go her hair to enjoy the windy ride.
Oh! oh! no! a police uncle stop them at the darker corner of the road, thinking, ha ha, some side income coming easy!
UP (Uncle Police) asked the girl : Why didn't you put on a helmet?
Girl : You..... you.... can.... see... me ....???
UP turn to the man and asked him : Why didn't your girl friend put on a helmet?
Man : Girl..friend..? Is there any one behind me? Where, where is she??
UP : You may go now!
That was how they saved up some money for the petrol that night.
My advice to the young couple : Don't play play with Uncle Police, OK!
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